Thursday, June 24, 2004

Finally Some Posts 

I know it’s been a long time between drinks, that’s why I have treated you to two of my finest (three including this one).

Allow me to justify the lack of activity; I used to have a job. This job left me unsupervised in front of a computer for hours on end. I no longer have that job.

I am now in a situation where I must give up MY time to maintain the blog. Blogging isn’t as such an attractive hobby when you are not being paid an hourly rate to do so and could be doing better things with your time.

I did devise an ill-fated plan to keep The Undie Run updated. I was going to attempt to “hire” “writers” but unfortunately all my friends and siblings are either uninteresting, illiterate or lazy.


Super Size Me 

Prompted by the latest McDonalds adds featuring their CEO talking about the new movie “Super Size Me”, I went out and saw the flick.

I am a Maccas fan from way back, I was one of the millions of kids they suck in from a young age, and I am therefore sucked in for life, as the movie suggests. As a kid, “Maccas” was always the word that always instinctively sprung from my mouth whenever Mum asked me what I wanted for dinner, of course she always replied with a very mum-like “Maccas Shmaccas”. Once I got my licence in high school I spent more time at the local McDonalds than I did in most classes. Even now, well into my twenties I still love a feed at good old McDonalds.

Given my love of Maccas I tend to take their side. Of course Maccas isn’t healthy, who ever said it was? He made the movie with a particular outcome in mind. He wanted to become unhealthy. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have a movie. He looked for and exaggerated health problems. I don’t believe the depression crap for a minute.

I think the main problem is that he stops exercising. He obviously exercised before starting, and he would probably gain weight simply by stopping exercise, regardless of diet.

I know he tried everything on the menu, but mostly he ate the shittest of the shit they serve. The movie only showed him eating a McSalad once, yet fries and Coke went with virtually every meal.

His Super Size Rule was that he could only super size IF it was offered. What he actually done was accept it every time it was offered. He also forced himself to finish it all. Not even the average obese American is going to eat until they heave their guts up in a McDonalds car park.

If you eat at ANY one place for a month you won’t be real well at the end of it. “Boost Juice” is about the healthiest place around, but try living off nothing but fruit juice for a month.

It must be noted though that the movie seems to have had an impact on McDonalds. McDonalds America has since ditched the Super Size and the amount of “Healthy Options” on the McDonalds Australia menu has increased massively in the last year or so, which is probably due to the movie.

If McDonalds sponsored me to do the same thing, to prove it could be healthy I could and would do it in a manner that would be healthy. I’d try everything, but wouldn’t always accompany it with fries and coke. A typical day would be cereal and an apple for breakfast Salad or chicken fold over for Lunch a burger or two and a salad for dinner, juice or water with each meal. Nothing too unhealthy there. And I’d keep up, maybe even increase my exercise routine.

I doubt McDonalds wouldn’t sponsor me to do it. Their stance is that this diet isn’t healthy, and sponsoring someone to do it would only cause them more shit, regardless of the outcome. Although, given the advertising campaign they have recently launched, nothing would surprise me.

What McDonalds Australia have done in response to the movie is start a campaign of TV adds and in store posters challenging the “facts” in the movie. They weakly attempt to make the dude look like an idiot, but do agree that it wouldn’t be a healthy diet. Mcdonalds are only publicising the movie and extending the dudes 15 Grundies of fame. I don’t think the movie will damage McDonalds noticeably, and if it does I really can’t see these ads doing anything to rectify the situation.

I really wonder what drugs the management of McDonalds Australia were on when they decided to bother trying to retaliate to this movie in such a manner. Whatever it was it must’ve been stronger than fat and sugar.


Metric Time 

Why Does America, the country that invented dollar and cents currency persist in using imperial weight and distance measurements?

I suppose their imperial system “works” but surely they have realised that it totally sucks arse.

The Metric System. Now there’s a system. Not only does it work, it also doesn’t suck arse. What more could anyone want?

OK, let’s have a look at the imperial distance system:
Its basically revolves around feet and inches. There are 12 inches in a foot… twelve? Why twelve, it’s not exactly a round number?

Now if you need to measure something smaller than an inch which is roughly this ------------------- long, you move into fractions of an inch; quarter of an inch, five eighths of an inch etc. Surely everyone reckons that’s just annoying. Not to mention pretty damn stupid on the part of whoever invented it for obviously not thinking that at sometime someone may need to measure something smaller than an inch, his genitals for example.

Now let’s take a look at Metric:

Rather than having 12 inches = a foot, 3 foot = a yard, and I don’t know how many yards = a mile, we have 10 millimetre’s = a centimetre, 100 centimetre’s = a metre and 1000 metre’s = a kilometre.

Now doesn’t metric flow a lot smoother? Notice all the metric measurements are divisible by ten, makes it a hell of a lot easier to deal with. You’d think the US would just get on board.

Weight measurements, Kilograms vs. Pounds are the same storey. Metric makes sense while impearial is just rooted, but I couldn’t be bothered going into it

So I’ll get to the point…

Lets take a look at the universal - well maybe not universal – global at least measurements of time.

60 seconds = 1 minute, 60 minutes = 1 hour (60 isn’t the roundest number, but at least we’re consistent so far) 24 hours = 1 day (what the fuck? Twenty-four?) We then go even crazier with 7 days =1 week, and 28, 29, 30 or 31 days = 1 month and finish it off with 365 days in most years, and 366 every forth year. It really is as sloppy as a cheap pro by dawn.

I realize that we are a little restricted in what we can do with our measurements of time. We can’t change the speed that the earth spins on its axis (a day), or the time it takes to orbit the sun (365 days and six hours). Well not yet anyway. So I’m afraid we are stuck with that nasty leap year situation. Blame God. You can always leave him a comment here telling him what you think of his lousy timing, because he’ll see it, cause he like; sees everything and stuff.

What we can alter is the dividing up of a day. I’m naming it the “Zundie System” for obvious reasons. Instead of hours we will have “Zundies” there will be 100 of them in a day (each will last 14.4 minutes, in the old system) and we won’t get half way through and start again, like that ridiculous am pm bullshit.

Minutes will be replaced with “Grundies”. There will be 10 Grundies in a Zundie (each lasting 1.44 old school minutes). Finally seconds will be replaced with “Chundies”. There will be 100 Chundies in a Grundie (1 Chundie = 0.864 seconds)

Lets Recap. 100 Chundies in a Grundie. 10 Grundies in a Zundie. 100 Zundies in a day. Now doesn’t that work better?

I can’t quite figure a nice even and round way of dividing up the weeks and months that makes sense and doesn’t clash with the order of the universe, so if you can; let me know and I’ll name it after you (provided your name ends in “undie”), which will undoubtedly bring you much fame and fortune when the system is implemented.


Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Apologies To All 

I really am a shocker. I spend two months bitching and moaning that no one is looking at my blog, and then just as a bit of traffic is coming my way I disappear. Not very professional, I know.

Before I explain myself, I must say a big thank you to Shauna over at “What’s new Pussycat”. As I’m sure most my visitors know I left a comment on her blog whining about my lack of traffic, and hey presto! I get traffic. So thank you for being so popular Shauna.

One more thing, “There’s something about Zundie”. I notice a little confusion in the comments as to my gender. I haven’t deliberately kept it a secret, but I must admit I feel a bit insecure that it wasn’t obvious… hmm, does that indicate I’m male? Anyway on Rob’s advice (see comments), and Miriam’s success I am now going to keep it a secret… Is that a female thing to do?

Of course there is every possibility that I have already revealed it in a previous post, but I don’t like my writing enough to bother reading them all to check. So readers, feel free to check back through old posts and to speculate. I’m not going to offer a prize or anything for the correct answer, because anyone taking a punt has a 50% chance of getting it right.

Now to explain myself. I know you have all been deeply concerned about my well being over the last few days, I apologize for putting you all through such anguish.

I, as mentioned in previous posts have recently become unemployed. I have decided not to waste this by doing something stupid like getting another job. I have seized the day. I threw my shit in my car and headed down the snow. So tonight I come to you LIVE FROM JINDABYNE!

I love the snow, however there is a slight problem in that there isn’t any of it yet. I am flying by the seat of my pants here and didn’t bother doing any formal planning, you know, like checking if there was snow.

The other area that Jindabyne is letting me down is in Internet access. The joint I’m staying doesn’t have any, hence the lack of posts. So, to describe my location in a little more detail; I am in an Internet café with red walls cow print decorations and techno playing. I share this tastefully decorated little room with a smelly, unwashed snowboarder who is laughing his head off at his emails and a middle aged balding bloke who is swearing at the national bank website.

I am afraid these conditions are not favorable to blogging and am not excited about the prospect of returning here so I will endeavor to come up with another way of maintaining The Undie Run whist on the road…. Unless, of course it starts snowing


Thursday, June 10, 2004

The Tide is Turning 

Business is booming here at The Undie Run Central! We are almost struggling to cope with the sudden popularity of the site. It’s unbelievable! I think we’re bigger than Jesus, The Beatles and The B-Sharps all put together!

As you can clearly see, I received not one, but two comments from The Undie Runs new biggest fan; Kezza. A HUGE shout-out to Kezza, you’re a legend, thanks for the comment’s. If you give your URL I will link you and we’ll take you along for this crazy ride to the top!

The Undie Run is also proud to announce we received our very first non-spam email yesterday, which was absolutely thrilling for all concerned. By the way, all fan/hate mail can be directed to theundierun@hotmail.com

And the Site Meter! Have a go at that site meter! Its spinning like there’s no tomorrow! We flew past number 200 yesterday and as I write its cruising past 219, where will it stop?

Following Kezza's advice, I decided to see if Google had noticed us yet and upon searching “The Undie Run” we appeared several times; the first in number 4, no less. I am hoping that this post which uses our name, “The Undie Run” 7 times will notch us up even closer to that illustrious number one.

To keep our ever increasing fan base happy I have done a little work on the links. I’ve added a few more of my favourite blogs and divided the sites into two separate categories, with fairly self explanatory titles. The way things are going, I will soon need to change the title of the “Better Blogs” to “Blogs that aspire to be as good as The Undie Run”, but lets not get too carried away just yet.

On a very serious note, I know many people will be fearful that this new found fame will go to my head. I Zundie, founder and CEO of The Undie Run can personally guarantee that this will never happen. We will always continue to be the lovable, down to earth folk you have come to love. Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still Zundie from the blog.


Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Beep-Beep, Beep-Beep, Beep-Beep 

I think that high pitched beep-beeping of your alarm clock first thing in the morning is the most painful, horrible and devastating sound in the world!

I’d rather listen to fingernails down a blackboard, animals being tortured, or our prime minister making an address overseas, than hear that horrid sound that awakes me every God forsaken weekday morning!

I hate that sound because; prior to it you are warm and comfortable in a soft, cosy and peaceful little world with a lover in your arms. Post beep-beeping you are stumbling around your house, freezing cold trying to find your bathroom to prepare yourself to take on the cold harsh world outside.

It really is a double edged sword too, because the only time you hate the bloody alarm clock more than when it wakes you up, is when it doesn’t. There is nothing worse than having that groggy stumble to the bathroom and following attack on the world when you are also running late with nobody to blame other than that evil little bastard appliance.

In terms of evilness, the alarm clock and its soul destroying beep-beep is the closest thing to Hitler alive today.

Having just Proof Read the above I am bothered by two obvious problems. The first is that it’s a bit short (notice I’m sorting that right now). The second is that I have been very harsh on my poor alarm clock.

I actually conceived the idea for this post whilst in the shower this morning, about four and a half minutes after it woke me up with its ear piercing, headache inducing beep-beeping. At the time I was still very much pissed off at the alarm clock and said beep-beeping.

However that is a couple of hours ago now and I have since battled my way through the world to the little place within it that houses my office. I have had a coffee and gotten over it.

Having gotten over my daily hatred for this unfortunate little appliance, I am now finding myself pitying the poor fella. I am thinking that alarm clocks the world over really get a bum deal. Everyone depends on them to gain consciousness on a daily basis, yet we all house an intense hatred of them. Most, mine included, are victims of routine, anger fuelled, merciless domestic violence.

The poor suckers are just trying to do their job. They make the effort to wake up nice and early every morning, at any time of you’re choosing and wake you up. They do this every morning until such time that they are murdered at the hands of their owner, usually by way of hitting or throwing them for simply performing the daily duty requested of them. (A curious side note; notice you never hit your alarm clock when you sleep in because it hasn’t gone off?)

So I say, try and be nice to your alarm clock. If it wasn’t for the little guy you’d have been fired several times over and you would have no idea who Steve Liebmann is. Of course I say this knowing full well that I am going to beat my little $9.95 special within an inch of its life first thing tomorrow morning.


Tuesday, June 08, 2004


I never wrote about the first state of Origin, so I will now… I wasn’t as excited as I usually am in the lead up to the game, mainly because I have the shits at the NRL for getting so carried away over trying to prove they care about women by issuing ridiculously harsh punishments to a few players who committed an assortment of drunken indiscretions.

By Game day, with all the injuries and suspensions it was a pretty disappointing line-up from both sides. Despite both teams being a little second division-ish, it was a great match with all the intensity that State of Origin is famous for. In the end, or more accurately; after the end, NSW won 9-8. Congratulations to the team. Great kick Timmins.

The following day I noticed a lot of Queenslanders complaining about the golden point rule. Funny how they never seemed bothered by it prior to it costing them the game.

Here’s what I reckon; The Golden Point is a vast improvement on the previous system whereby a drawn game remained a draw and a drawn series resulted in the shield going to whoever won last year. That was just a joke.

The only real argument against golden point is that when golden point time starts it becomes a battle to get a field goal, and no longer about scoring tries, which I admit is a bit shitty. Apart from that I quite like the Golden Point. That said I wouldn’t be opposed to having a fixed duration to extra time.

The problem a lot of people have with extra time is the question of what happens at the end of it if neither team has scored? How long do we allow the game to go for? As long as it friggin takes I say! Let em play all night if necessary. I reckon it would be heaps cool if the game went until 3am. They’re elite athletes, they can hack it. I Mean, those AFL pansies play two hours, every game, and we all know how soft they are. If the AFL skirts can cope I’m sure league players can too

Freddy has pulled an Allan Langer and come out of retirement to play for the Blues in game 2. I reckon that’s pretty good news. With Lockyer back for Queensland it should be a good battle between the five-eighths. Blues coach, Phil Gould was obviously in bed one night complaining to Freddy about needing a five-eighth and Freddy, eager to keep his man happy offered to fill the role, and then fill something else.

Coach Sacking seems to be flavour of the month, and not in the way Fittler likes to sack coaches. The Warrior’s and South’s both sacked their coaches last week. I don’t like the way coaches are used as scapegoats when a team is doing badly. South’s sacked their last coach less than two years ago. Here’s a thought, maybe your players are shit?


Thursday, June 03, 2004

Blogging Failure 

This certainly hasn’t turned out like I planned. I’m well over a month into my blogging career, and I am yet to have a single comment left on any post. I think I’ve had a couple of visitors to the site, like literally “a couple” (99% of hits on the site meter are me).

When I imagined starting a blog I put a hell of a lot of thought into how exactly to protect my true and secret identity. It would appear I needn’t have bothered. I could have posted my real name, address and phone number and nothing would have come of it. I could probably have even mentioned where I leave the spare front door key and where I hide the cash and it wouldn’t have amounted to anything, so small is the interest in my blog and the stories within it.

So I have been thinking that I could probably sell use of The Undie Run to Al-Qaeda for communication purposes. Even though it is a simple web site that can be viewed by anyone with a modem, clearly no one is viewing it, FBI included, which makes this site more secure that phone, post or email. Hey Osama, if your not one of the billions of people who aren’t reading this; call me, we’ll strike up deal.

Now before the American Government stumble upon the site, and decide to lock me up without a trial, that would prove that I’m not a terrorist, rather just an Aussie smart arse, I will say the mandatory “I’m not a fucking terrorist you American idiot’s”

Enough about Terrorism and shit.

So I’ve been wondering why I don’t have an army of loyal readers, a book deal, or why no one (my own mother included) show’s enough interest in my blog to read a post or two. I asked a few of my mates what they think could be going wrong. One dude offered “Your writing isn’t Dynamic enough” I asked “have you read it?” he replied “No”. We all had a good laugh at his willingness to criticise my lack of dynamics despite him never having read it, but it really didn’t help. Although I will concede he’s probably right.

In an attempt to discover what makes a good blog I have spent many hours wandering blog to blog seeing what I like and what I don’t. Obviously The Spin Starts Here is the crème de la crème of blog’s and I still enjoy reading JoJo’s Purple Vagina Monologues & My Increasingly Random Life even though she has become a little lazy with the blogging since having her baby – C’mon JoJo; prioritise!

I wandered even further into the depths of cyber space to look at some blogs and sort the good from the bad and see what makes the good, good and the bad, bad (and possibly steal some ideas from the good ones).

I think I have discovered the main problem. There are fucking millions of blogs!!! Heaps, and heaps, and heaps of people keep blogs. I started mine thinking I was joining this little cult type thing of only a few hundred people (if that) worldwide. I imagined the owners of blogs to be hugely popular internet celebrities with thousands of loyal readers and constant offers of money and sex.

How wrong I was. Most blogs are incredibly boring and report mundane day to day things like; “Today I had breakfast, then went to the shops. When I got home I watched wheel of fortune and The Price is Right. OMG Larry is hotttt!!!!!”
These blogs are bloody boring, and generally have a very small readership, most of which are probably friends and family of the owner. Despite the unbelievable crappiness and dullness of most blogs, I am yet to find one as unpopular as mine.

So I return to my blog to try and find what is wrong with it. I update it fairly often. I reckon I write about reasonably interesting things and not just my piss-poor day-to-day activities. I am a bit witty, aren’t I? (If not, I wasn’t trying to be, so piss off).

The only thing I can find that’s wrong with it is a complete lack of visitors. So, if YOU are reading this, then YOU are assisting to solve the problem. Thankyou. You can further help by leaving a comment and letting me know why no one else is visiting and why you’ll never return.


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